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Thursday, July 04, 2019

“Most things will be okay eventually, but not everything will be. Sometimes you'll put up a good fight and lose. Sometimes you'll hold on really hard and realize there is no choice but to let go. Acceptance is a small, quiet room.”  Cheryl Strayed, American memoirist, novelist, essayist and podcast host.


   Life right now for me consists of large sections of time filled with uncertainty, fear, anxiety, and trepidation, punctuated by lovely floating moments of grace, laughter and good conversation while spending time with loved ones. It is about taking one's own measure repeatedly and realizing the internal voice we each have is chirping like a cricket inside me repeating "Time is short, time is short, time is short." Life is still not sleeping well and feeling that two years, five months and nine days after Les' heart stopped beating, I am more weary and threadbare around my edges than I have ever been and that is okay. Life is accepting that for me, there no real home on this beautiful planet I love because my home here ceased to exist with the death of  Les. So I've become expert at parsing segments of time.
   Life at present is about catching up with friends and family near and far, some of whom I have not seen in twenty five or thirty years. It is video calling my British loved ones and seeing their lovely faces, hearing their voices, catching up with their lives and crying when I say goodbye. 
It's about making sense of my life and this screwed up country, desecrated environment and uncertain world. It is also about honoring the process of grief and self discovery, continuing to excavate through the ruins in my life with a therapist to keep me from stalling out of the process. 
   I remember my paternal grandfather after my grandmother Helen Russell, his wife of 53 years, died. He used to tell me that he had lived too long and seen too much. He was ready to go. I have reached that point in life when I feel the same. Papa lived another twenty five years into the very midnight of his life at age ninety nine, making the best of it for as long as he could while marking time until he was reunited with Gran. 
   I am looking for work, attending interviews and considering future possibilities because I continue to wake up each morning and needs must. I'm dealing with Crohns flare-ups and making myself indulge in self care, and And I am ready to write again. So, this is really just to let those who follow the blog know where I am at and to say hi. I'm back now. Thank you for your patience.

6 comments:

Tom and Jan said...

Jaq I get the feeling that Les would be very disappointed. When he lost Valerie he grieved, before pulling himself together. Eventually he began cruising the cut, involving himself in all things canal, met interesting people and being prepared to give most things a go. Whilst not well educated, he had an inquiring mind. Les found love and joy a second time with you. You're way too young to fill much of your life with "uncertainty, fear, anxiety, and trepidation"!. Les would want you to carry on living life to the full with zest and energy rather than wallowing in self-pity feeling sorry for yourself! Don't give up..... embrace life.

Alison said...

Welcome back, I have missed your lovely writing.
Keep well and safe.
Alison :)

nb Chuffed said...

Welcome back Jaq
Debby xx

Nev Wells said...

Welcome back, you sound a little punch drunk emotionally and I can understand the emotions if only by those scary times of imagining my life alone without Rachel. Easy to write hard to do, but chin up, the bells just sounded for the next round of your interesting life, so bob and weave and step into your future, who knows what’s around the next corner ? Take care x

Judith nb Serena said...

Hi Jaq, lovely to have you back writing, I have missed your posts. While I never met Les I did read your blog of your meeting and life together and I can only agree with Tom and Jan's comments. You have to live life to the full and remember all the good times, and you did have loads of good times together. Look forward to your next post.
Love and hugs Judith nb Serena

Sue said...

Hey...... Les would be furious that you feel like this Jaq. Please make him happy wherever he might be and be the woman he fell for. Sod the rest of them, of me of him or her, of them all. Do what Les would want you to do and hey.... You and I know what that means!!

NB Valerie & Steam Train by Les Biggs

NB Valerie & Steam Train by Les Biggs