The Wool Anniversary

"As long as I live, you will live, as long as I live, you will be remembered, as l live, you will be loved." ~Anonymous

Our wedding day, Kamiak Butte, Washington

     The 18th of June is our Seventh wedding anniversary; my second without Les. Time does not dull the pain of his death. The necessary demands of life cause it to recede into the background while one grapples with the activities of daily living. The moment I think of Les and our life together, memories rush over me and the pain of my loss returns with a force that bites deep and takes my breath away. This is the other side of the coin of what it means to truly love someone and give them your heart. 
     I am struck by the depth of love in Les' eyes as he looks back at me when I took these pictures and now, nearly sixteen months after his death, I sometimes find myself caught in a memory-moment. A piece of music will come on the radio and suddenly Les is here like a hologram, doing his crazy little dance he used to do for me, or someone on telly will make a statement and I can hear Les' voice clearly in my mind replying sarcastically. Occasionally on the news coverage of a football match a team makes a goal and I hear Les exclaiming excitedly, "Go on boy, get it in! Yes!!!" Sometimes in the very still small hours of those countless nights when I cannot sleep, I hear Les say, "I love you Jaqueline Marie Almdale Biggs."

Taken on the back of NB Valerie in May 2011 during my pre-wedding visit.

Les showing me the ruins of the motte and bailey at Berkhamstead, May 2011.

Dancing at our wedding reception at Chrisi and Keith Kincaid's farm, Pullman, WA July 2011.

Les relaxing on the back deck of Cloudhouse--our home in Pullman, Washington. June 2011.

Les and our Grandson Connor at Laird Park, August 2011. We took a picnic and spent the day with family, swimming in the river under the hot summer sun.

Les reveling in his catch on a never to be forgotten boating trip on the Snake River in Washington with friends Roger and Joe, August 2011.

Les posing with the statue of the Station Master in some small Washington State town. We were on our way to Seattle for a three day honeymoon before flying back to England and NB Valerie.

Les trying out our friend Karen's Segway, Pullman, Washington, August 2011. Wearing her flowered helmet was part of the deal!

Cheeky Les at the tiller in March 2012 on our way to Llangollen.

Les waiting for me at Burland on the Llangollen canal in 2012. I was returning from a walk to the Burland country Store for a Saturday paper and the best pies we ever ate.

The Bluebird of Happiness stretching his wings as we hiked to the ruins of Valle Crucis Abbey near Llangollen, March 2012.

Les in paroxysms of delight over a freshly baked chocolate Kahlua cake, May 2012.

Les giving me a mock-sexy pose on the Audlem Flight,Spring 2012.

The quintessential Englishman with his brolly, on the grounds of Dunham Massey Estate, Bridgewater canal, July 2012.

One of the countess times we stopped to score wood along our travels.

Les loved chopping wood. It gave him a great sense of accomplishment and appealed to his deep sense of thrift--accumulating a winter heat source for nothing more than a few hours labor. I loved helping him stack the wood on the roof, bark upwards, in neat sections to dry in the summer sun.

At our daughter Sparky's apartment in Portland, Oregon, November 2012. Our daughter Jesse in the background decorating cupcakes for her sister's wedding the next day.

Daughter-in-law Kelli, MOBs, daughter Sparky, FOBs, November 2012.

Les and his girls after the wedding, November 2012.

Les warm and cozy in his new LL Bean down jacket, on the shore of Lake Pend Oreille, Sandpoint, Idaho, November 2012.

Bliss! Portland, Oregon, November 2012.

Teaching Les the joy of playing in the snow, January 2013, Blisworth.

Wakey-wakey baby! Les before his morning tea, 2012.

I love this picture! Les having a moment, April 2013 moored up above Walthamstead Lock, the Lea and Stort navigation.

My boys (Les and son Kevin) cleaning up after a spaghetti lunch with family aboard NB Valerie, March 2014.

Les posing on the Lapworth flight, September 2015. It took me 10 months after his liver surgery to get him back to this fit state.

My baby making kissy lips at a kissing gate on the Wendover Arm, 2015.

Les was always happiest at the tiller of our boat, cruising through life at 2 MPH.

Look at the love in his eyes...Granddad with Kiernan and Kiera, Campbell Park, 2015.

Granddad in a happy moment, August 2016, at Cowroast, with our grandsons Teo and Battu.

Les, our grandson Jack, daughter-in-law Bev, and me, Cowroast, August 2016.

Me and my shadow, always.

Dazed and Confused

 "The fact the word lovesick exists, that the simple absence of a person can make you feel physically ill, says a great deal about the terrible power of the human heart." ~Beau Taplin, poet

   Les has been dead a month today. I don't know how the time passed me by so quickly. I live in a grief-spun fog. I cocoon myself in the boat because it is our lovely home and the place that holds the most of what is left of Les. I can only do that for so long and then I need to get out. Family and friends have been so kind, taking me to stay at their homes for a couple of days at a time. They spoil me with their company. They feed me with good food because I am not cooking for myself. They make me laugh. They bless me with their help. They call and email me to check in. They even grieve with me because they too loved Les and miss him. Our daughter in law Ozlem told me Les called her days before he died and asked her to look after me. "Call her Ozlem. Don't let her sit on the boat all alone." Right to the very end Les was looking for every possible means to take care of me after he was gone. Ozlem does check in with me frequently and I know she does this out of love and not out of duty so I am doubly blessed by them both.
   Sometimes I venture out on my own. I went to a movie at the Rex cinema two weeks ago. Les loved the Rex. We saw five movies there together. I kept expecting Les to slip into the seat next me and slide his fingers through mine as he always did.
   Today I ventured out again with a long list of things to do: Buy a parcel box for a return item; return the item to Amazon via the Post Office. Mail some thank you cards. Pick up an item at Fatface that was on order. Buy a frame and get some pictures and a return address label printed at the Imaging Centre. Stop at Vah Hardware store in Berkhamsted and get a sponge mop, a brass fixing to close the cabinet Les made which now houses my new stereo. 
   In my current state of bewilderment and distraction I forgot to get the return address label printed at the Imaging Centre and I had to return there. I also forgot to write an address on one of the thank you cards so it didn't get mailed. To top things off I misplaced the large bag with the picture frame and scarf from Fatface. I got off the bus in Cowroast and suddenly realized I didn't have the bag with me. I felt utter despair. I had no idea where I left it. I was planning to work on it tonight and hang it on the wall across from the dinette so I could see my Best Beloved smiling at me each day.
   Instead I trudged back home to our boat, revived the fire, made a cup of Seattle Market Spice tea with Manuka honey to soothe the sore throat, swollen glands, and claggy sinuses that thirty days of insomnia have gifted me. I spent an hour looking for a contact number for Arriva as I thought I had left my bag on the bus. Let me tell you companies don't make it easy over here to get in contact for something outside the general FAQ's.
   After finally getting through and being told it would take a minimum of 48 hours for someone to contact me once my bag was reported and turned in to the bus driver (if it was turned in), I decided I needed to do something positive with all my despair. I got out my collapsible silicone bucket, filled it with hot water and sugar soap and went to work cleaning a year of grime and coal smoke from the ceiling and walls. Three buckets and two hours later, everything from the bow doors to the dinette was scrubbed clean and shining. That is about one fourth of the entire boat so there is still more to do, which is good because now that Les is not here I have a lot of time on my hands until his memorial service and my flight back to the States. Then it hit me that I had just spent two hours scrubbing not only coal smoke and old spider webbing from the boat--I was also removing the last of Les' hair, skin cells, and the detritus of his physical life from my midst which sent me into chest racking sobs followed by hysterical laughter when I realized I was crying over dust. I knew Les would be crying and laughing with me.
   I logged in to FaceBook tonight to check in with friends and family. I found a message on Instant Messenger waiting for me. It was from a man named Naresh Govindia. His family owns Vah Hardware in Berkhamsted and he messaged me to say he found my bag at the store and he would put it away safe until I could pick it up. I messaged back to thank Naresh, explaining that my husband had recently died and I was easily distracted and having a difficult time without him; that he had been my touchstone for our life in this country and without him I felt even more like a foreigner in a foreign country. He replied:
   "I am saddened to hear of your loss. My sympathy and condolences to you. Life's realities are this unfortunately. But please be strong. Live with happy memories which will give you strength. Land may be foreign but people are still the same. Feel free to communicate if I can be of moral support at all. Regards Naresh"
   This is above and beyond basic customer service which is usually lacking in most commercial encounters over here. Naresh's listening ear and his kindness in reaching out to me touched me deeply. He could easily have blown me off with a trite one liner which some folks have done when they have no clue what to say and they realize that nothing they can say will likely help me anyway. I want to share with everyone what does help: actions which always speak louder than words. Sometimes just a hug or a pat on the arm is enough to let someone who is deep in grief know you care and you are there.
   For me it is the boaters who stop by to say hello and ask if I need anything. Mike Wall texting me to tell me the power had gone off during the storm yesterday, and then texting me when it came back on; Mike Griffin stopping by each time he visits the moorings, to have a chat with me about any old thing; Sue and Jim Hutchinson stopping by with a card and a gift, and their willingness to stand by patiently while my face leaks because mornings are the hardest time for me when I get up to face yet another day without Les. Carol and George Palin who came and spent a day and half working together to install a new stereo and ceiling speakers so I no longer sat in the boat alone and talked to myself to hear another voice, and Ken and Sue Deveson who have made three separate trips to deliver a stereo, speakers, an antennae and then the missing parts as they arrived, or Chris and Jennie Gash who came by to take me out to lunch, knowing I cannot instigate a conversation; I feel I can barely hold up my end of one. Andy and Tina Elford who check in regularly despite their crazy busy schedules to make sure I know they are thinking of me. My daughters instant messaging me and calling me from the States to check in and touch bases with me. Cousin Kindheart in Canada who calls and emails frequently to share his day, his thoughts, and ask how I am doing and whose generosity has underwritten my trip back to Washington to be with our American family. Our dear friend Robert Rogers who followed his own heart from a wide beam on the cut to a new life with his Best Beloved in Brazil and who sent me the most beautiful meme on FaceBook he created for me from a picture off our blog.The old and dear friend from my University days who deposited money into our American account to help defray the huge expense of a rental car. Our grandchildren in two countries who IM me on FaceBook just to let me know they are thinking about me. Or the friends whose boat and job are fifty miles or eighty miles away but who are coming to Les' memorial service to help me and our family to share our grief, celebrate Les' life and have some closure. Friends of my daughter Sparky back in the States--all young people who think of me as "mom"--who are pausing in their lives to make a trip to Spokane to see me.  
   Those who of us who grieve don't need special words or fancy sentiments. We need the kindness of friends, family, and yes even strangers, implicit in everyday deeds that help us to function when we really just want to lie down and die. It is those simple acts that help those lost in grief to put one foot forward and keep living.
   So tomorrow I will go into Vah Hardware and pick up my lost parcel and purchase three bottles of sugar soap, turpentine, and two tubes of wood filler. I am going to make my own wood polish with lemon oil to scent our home and make the wood shine again. 
   Les loved Vah Hardware. They have everything and I do mean everything. And if Vah doesn't have it they will order it for you. If you are boaters passing through the area I strongly recommend you stop into Vah for all your hardware needs first before considering B & Q. They sell timber cut to order and they cut keys. They even dispense kindness to the lost and forlorn.





Meme by Robert Rogers, © 2017; picture of Les at Linford Manor Park, looking at NBV moored in the distance. Picture taken by Jaqueline Biggs, 2014.

Happy New Year!!!

"I always say keep a diary and someday it'll keep you." ~Mae West

 DIARY 2014
   I opened up a new 2014 diary today and began by inking in all the places we had been this past year on the days. For example, under January 2nd, 2013 at the very bottom in parentheses it says, (*Buckby top lock). I do this each time we moved to anew place so I know where we were last year on this date. I also add into the parentheses any significant happenings such as January 9th (*Blisworth, Lg. solar panel installed). In my diary I also keep track of all the boat oil changes, engine hours at change, battery top ups, belt replacements, gear oil changes, and any major repairs or replacements. I track our purchase of coal, diesel and Calor: when, from where (or whom), how much purchased and what we paid, month by month. I also do this with groceries.
   On the month at a glance calendar for each month I write in every time we get water, empty the loo, have visitors, get hair cuts, etc. I provide details of weather at the top of each day's entry: January 12th, 2103 says, "52 degrees, balmy light winds and rain!" Each days activities and main meals are noted as are details of books read or telly watched and any other ADLs (Activities of Daily Living) I find pertinent of interesting.

NB HERBIE: Neil and Kath
   I've got so much to write about and not nearly enough time to write it all!
 First of all an introduction is necessary for our readers, to Neil and Kath on NB Herbie. Each year the crew of NBH entertain the rest of us with a count down of the best: best moorings for the year, best pubs you've never heard of, and many other things boat related.
   Beginning in 2010 they decided to create a Herbie Award for Fortitude and choose a fellow boater who exemplified the strength of mind and character that allows someone to bear pain or adversity with courage. The first award went to Sue and Vic on NB No Problem.
   In 2011 the Herbie Award went to Sue and Richard of NB Indigo Dreaming... Then last year it went to Maffi..."So whoever wins this year is in elevated company."
   Well dear readers, this year I was totally gobsmacked to discover I was the honoree of the rare and coveted Herbie Award for Fortitude!! We have posted our award on the upper left of this blog page.
   Click on the award to visit NB Herbie's page and learn more about past recipients and their feats of courage and community which make the waterways a fantastic place on which to live. 
   I remember discovering NB Herbie's blog in late 2009 when I first found canals and narrow boats. I came across one of Neil and Kath's blog posts which featured a picture of their lovely floating home wreathed in early morning fog. Something about that picture touched me viscerally and helped (along with many other boaters' blogs) to light a longing in my heart for life as a continuous cruiser on a narrow boat.
   Back then I had never actually seen a narrow boat in all three dimensions or ever set foot off the North American continent. The life I lead now was all a wished for dream...one that I expected would take many years of planning and saving to accomplish. Love did not feature anywhere in this plan...until Les Biggs came to visit Pullman, Washington USA for one week and the unplanned, unanticipated, unthinkable occurred...we fell in love with one another!! And the rest, as they say...
   so here I am living La Vida Gloriousa aboard NB Valerie with Dear Sir. I am humbled and touched to be accepted into such an amazing, varied, and close knit though far flung society: the British boating community. Les and I offer grateful thanks to all who read our blog, post comments or send off an email in response to something we've written, or wave to us as we pass along the canals; those who stop to say hello--be they readers or other boaters.
   We cannot praise enough the goodness of the boaters who have assisted us this year. Each of you share this Herbie Award with us; your help made a very difficult time possible to survive and move beyond. We didn't come through the darkness alone: you each lit a flame of kindness to help us find our way. The prayers, positive thoughts and good wishes of loved ones and friends all over the world buoyed us up as well and carried us through.

A HOME OFFICE LETTER
  And so onward to New Year's Eve...A letter came from the Home Office dated the 23rd of December, requesting I proceed with registering my biometrics at the Post Office. Without any further delay (we had 15 days from the 23rd to get it done) Les and I left the boat early yesterday morning bundled up as warm as we hoped would be necessary (not nearly enough it turned out!) to catch a bus from Cow Roast to Tring, in order to catch another bus from Tring to Luton near the hospital, to catch yet another bus to our daughter in law Joanne's, where our mail is registered, to pick up the Home Office letter which one had to have in hand when registering one's biometrics, and to drop off a large container of homemade Chicken Soup to help Jojo fight a bad cold.
   By the time we reached Luton the high wind gusts were blowing the rain sideways and Les and I were soaked through and frozen. We peeled off our wet clothes at Jojo's and threw them in the dryer while we warmed up with a cup of tea and caught up with family. It was lovely to see Jo, Kiera and Kiernan who were helping with the post holiday tidying up. 
   After we were all dried out and dressed again we ventured out to the nearest bus stop to discover a bus was missing from the route and we could have stood there for an hour in the bloody freezing, wet and high winds so we walked back towards the Luton hospital (at least while moving one is generating heat!) and caught another bus to The Mall. 
   In the Post Office it took all of less than ten minutes to wait, have our number called, pay the £19.20 fee, take my picture, and take my fingerprints and signature electronically. Now all we can do is wait for a decision as to whether or not my application for Indefinite Leave to Remain is granted. We had a quick bite to eat and were back outside in the elements, waiting for yet another bus--this one back the way we came. 
   In Tring we walked up to the Tesco superstore, picked up four bags of groceries, slogged outside in the gathering dark and continuing rain, and waited for the final bus back to Cow Roast. Whew! A very long day indeed. Les and I were both so knackered we ached all over.
   Today we are mostly recovered. I forgot eggs last night so Les generously offered to catch the bus back into Tring for them while he chased up a prescription refill and I moved the boat, filled up with water, brought down a new bag of coal, and was just mooring up again when my Best Beloved came back from the village. 

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2014!!!
   Tonight we will celebrate the passing of 2013 with quiet thankskgiving and deep joy. We are together, Les's health is steadily improving and we have high hopes of getting in some cruising in the next few weeks!!

Portland, Oregon, 2012

   We want to take a moment to offer deep thanks to Canal and River Trust (CaRT) who have been kept abreast of Les' health issues. CaRT has allowed us to overstay for a period of time in order to access doctors appointments, the hospital, groceries, water, rubbish and in general to quietly work on getting Les better so we can get back to what we love most--cruising!! Many thanks for CaRTs unobtrusive support for our situation. 
   Happy New Year Everyone! From our boat to your home--wherever you may be on this round planet, we wish you good health, good will, love, peace, joy, contentment, laughter and the company of family and friends!! Blessed Be...